“What is Aleppo?” A Love Letter to Gary Johnson

By KATIE KLIMACEK
Co-Executive Editor

Hi, Mr. Johnson. Can I call you Gary? Hi, Gary. It has taken a lot of courage for me to pen this note of appreciation. But here I am, bearing all of my affection for the libertarian presidential candidate.

Like most people, I had not a clue as to who you were the first time I heard someone mention your name. “Gary who?” I remember replying to my friend Jack after he told me who you were and a brief synopsis of what the libertarian party is.

It was weeks, probably months, before I heard your name again. Naturally, I completely forgot who you were or that there was more than just a Republican and Democratic candidate running for president. But when your name was mentioned, my ears perked up like a prairie dog when it senses danger.

“Gary Johnson? He’s that guy running for some other party right?” Less time passed, maybe days, and soon I learned more about the one and only G.J.

Hey Gary, remember that time you referred to Donald Trump as the very thing he claims to like to grab without a woman’s consent? I do, and I have to admit it made me feel a sense of justice. Here is a man that is running for president of the United States, and he has no problem calling a demagogue of a being a pu**y.

Look out, Putin, this former governor of New Mexico doesn’t hold back when it comes to using the same language a 15-year-old boy in high school uses to call out the popular jock after walking away from an invitation to fight.

I would say that you’re not one to hold your tongue on his feelings. Wait, how could I forget that priceless interview you did for MSNBC when you actually held your tongue to prove that you could be put on a debate stage with Trump?

Oh Gary, you never get old.

I’m sure that you get tired about this being brought up time and time again, but I would be remiss to not mention what was probably your greatest media appearance ever. Yes, I am talking about your “Aleppo moment.”

What was so great about a presidential candidate not knowing about one of the single most important cities in the war-torn country of Syria, is that it was a reminder for all of us to stop watching CNN and pick up an actual newspaper to learn about global conflicts. You made those who had no clue about Aleppo feel as though they are not alone. Inclusivity; a greater characteristic of a president than common knowledge.

You have a cute understanding of global warming. I can only describe it like a little kid who is up past their bedtime and trying to convince their parents why they should stay up longer even though they are half awake and falling asleep standing up.

You showed us all your acting skills when you faked having a heart attack while one of your opponents argued the negative effects of smoking marijuana. Look out, DiCaprio and Clooney, I smell an Oscar in the future for Mr. Johnson.

Your oddly cone-shaped head and toupee-looking hair lets the people know that you don’t spend hours worrying about how you look. Heck, you wear jeans and a sport coat to most of your events. Why worry about that when you are focused on trying to get weed legalized for everyone, as if to say “You get a blunt, you get a blunt, you get a blunt!”

Gary, there is just so much I have to say to you, so much love that I must confess, but I need to reserve an entire edition of the paper in order to do that. Needless to say, Gary Johnson I love you—I would never vote for you even if your only opponent was an apple with a very large bruise on it—but I still love you.

Forever yours,
Katie