By CONOR SHEA
Executive Editor
This just in from the Apple keynote presentation: a two-minute video about aluminum. Then, just when you were about to pick your jaw up from the floor, they hit you again with a video about stainless steel. Cue the raucous applause and soaring stock price.
Every year, sometimes twice a year, the Apple keynote presentation promises some sort of “revolutionary,” “beautiful,” or “innovative” improvement to their diverse product line. Sometimes consumers are treated to product unveilings, or hints about the future direction of the company.
This year, as every year, we were given 20 minutes of useful content from the hour and a half presentation. Why? Because Apple loves showmanship, regardless of whether they have something to show. They love to get in front of a crowd of cheering, captivated fans, even if it is only to disappoint.
There was once a time when an Apple keynote had full stages, and presentation themes- for a good laugh, look up “Apple Star Trek presentation.” Now the cheese is gone, but so is the force behind the Apple punch. Large presentations used to be reserved for announcements like the IPod, which arguably eclipsed the mp3 player market, or the decision to integrate Microsoft Office with the Apple OS.
Now we get a hodgepodge of terribly insignificant features marketed as the best engineering feat since the wheel.
It’s easy to concede that the tiered battery structure in the new MacBook is in fact impressive. Furthermore, the size of the newest Macbook Air would make my grandfather, who worked on some of the original IBM 1400 computers, do a quadruple take.
Aside from those, it was more of the usual, “we increased battery life by X percent,” and, “we did something fancy, and super difficult to reengineer, something we didn’t need to.”
During the Apple Watch portion of the presentation, two videos were played to detail how super-duper awesome the materials they used are. This was clearly inspired by recent data showing consumers always want to know how cool the aluminum is on a watch before purchasing… right?
We were also treated to a video explanation of how the keyboard you think you love is, in fact, complete trash. Why trash? Because Apple designed a new mechanism under the key that allows for the most accurate typing you’ve ever experienced! Aren’t we always typing emails and wondering why our keyboards aren’t more accurate than the low standard of “perfect?”
It’s almost as if each year Apple looks at the smallest, most innocuous feature of a computer, and rebuilds it from scratch. Last year, it was the fan, which they “deconstructed” and remade with fan blades that oscillate at the same tone. Sure, this is a nifty feature, and sure, everyone likes a quieter computer. However, the three-minute 3D composited video showing fan parts building themselves was self-indulgent, to say the least.
Consumers want their computers to work better, and their wallets to hurt less when buying them. When the best “innovation” you can show us is a fancy new keyboard or fan, it makes it hard to see a reason to shell out $900.
The argument that novel innovations are those that make the most difference does in fact hold true. As a whole, with small changes to the keyboard, battery life, and track pad, the new MacBooks may just be the best thing since sliced bread. That said, a company shouldn’t spend 90 minutes telling the audience how that tiny change they made for the sake of convenience is in fact the single greatest creation known to mankind.
Apple… stahp.
