By JONAS MILLER
Features Editor
If you watched the MTV Video Music Awards this year, and you didn’t turn off the television after the fifth full minute of Kanye standing silently on stage accepting round after round of applause, congratulations. You are amongst the millions of other viewers who sat with their jaws on the floor, as the rapper quite possibly changed history.
Five years from now, on a cold but sunny day in January, a new kind of president will be sworn in; a man with morals, confidence, and a whole lot of money. His name will not be Bush, or Clinton, and he will not stand on the stage, give the audience a slick set of finger pistols, and say “You Betcha!”
On that January morning, Kanye Omari West will give the longest speech in American history, he will somehow drop the microphone that is fixed onto the podium at which he will stand, and then he will take his rightful seat in our country’s new symbol of freedom, the freshly painted Black House.
Now, for those of you saying, “I would never EVER vote for Kanye, because he is not Presidential material,” I will gladly point you to any textbook that highlights the way this country was run between the years of 2001 and 2009, and then we will have a talk.
Here are four reasons why I believe that Mr. West should be the President of The United States of America.
Number one. He is not afraid to speak his mind. The man literally makes his living by sharing his feelings. Throw it back to 2009, when he just couldn’t hold it inside of himself how upset he was that Taylor Swift beat out Beyoncé. He had to say something, don’t you see? He stood up for what he believed was right, a quality that should be found in every man, woman, and child.
Honesty, that’s what we need in the man who is going to run our country. We need somebody who can really tell it like it is, without fear of repercussions or backlash. After all, he wasn’t saying that she was a gold digger, but she wasn’t exactly messing with a broke fella. He’s got a heart made of pure ice, but you’ve got to respect him for it.
Number two. He loves his mama. They say that if you want to know how a man will treat his significant other, you should pay attention to how he treats his mother. No problems here. Think of our fifty fine states as Kanye’s boo, and then as your entire body begins to feel at ease, you’ll realize that Kanye will treat us so right, it’ll be wrong.
Donda West, may she rest in peace, clearly did everything right when young Yeezus was growing up. She never made him share anything, now he’s rich. She never made him smile in pictures, and now there are posters of him in bedrooms all across the country. Most importantly, she taught him that it is always OK to be himself, advice that unfortunately doesn’t make it to the ears of all children.
But this is why we need him to lead us, so that every child can grow up listening to music that lets them know how incredibly OK it is to be unique. You think Chris Christie could do anything like that? The country already has an obesity problem, so it’s not like he’d have anything to teach us.
Number three. Kanye West is harder, better, faster, and stronger than any of his possible competitors. He has a soul made of steel, the genetic make up of God himself, and a virtually unlimited amount of money. Think of his closest friends: Jay-Z, Queen B, T-Swizzle… not to mention his wife and her family, who are worth a dollar amount that most 11th graders couldn’t count to. Ain’t nobody f***ing with his clique.
In terms of being the greatest rapper of all time, I believe that Kanye is up there, but it would still be a stretch to name him top dog. But, when we consider only the last decade or so, I think a lot of people would confidently label him better than all others; the best.
Number four. He is a God. Hurry up with his damn massage. You think being a God is easy? Try again. Barack Obama looks like he has aged 20 years in his two terms in office, but that won’t happen to Kanye. He’ll get younger. He’ll absorb the stress of running an entire country, and he’ll turn it into music.
Of course, even Gods have flaws. Zeus has a ton of off days- what do you think summer is? Kanye doesn’t let bad days faze him though, he keeps going. That’s what our country needs, somebody to push us to our limits. No days off.
This country has a lot of issues, but don’t worry, a change is coming.
Kanye isn’t concerned with your problems, because they’re our problems. He’s looking out for us; he has to be. A lot of people think he’s conceited, and rude, and selfish, but I know that’s not the case. He doesn’t waste his time on people who don’t deserve it.
To quote the man himself, “I know them haters talkin’ always had us very wary. Yup – on the 35th of Nevuary.”
Vote for Kanye.
Mic drop.
